I had something profound to write. I did. But it slipped away from me. The harder I grasped at it, the quicker and more fiercely it dropped from my grip, like a wet bar of soap, or one of those dollar-store plastic jelly roll toys, or men. Yeah. Like men.

I work eight hours a day, mostly on a computer, counting down the minutes until I can go home and get away from it. So I can go home and sleep. And what do I do? I come home and get on my computer and stay up way too late, so that the next day I can yawn and scowl and wish I was home so I could not be on the computer and instead be sleeping. I think I have a problem.

Sometimes I forget to put my contacts in in the morning and then I get in my car to drive and I have a panic attack because I can't see what the red octagon sign says 5 feet in front of me. I think I've had a stroke or overnight been afflicted with diabetes or maybe I have some incurable form of pink-eye that will forever be clouding my vision with its goopy refuse secreted from my tear ducts. And then I put on my glasses and calm down. I think this all goes back to the sleep thing.

You know what's great? Having a "condition" to blame stuff on. Like if you had a peg leg, and you didn't want to go hiking, you could always say, "Hey, guys, I'm gonna opt-out of the hiking. You know, because of my peg leg." And they couldn't argue with you. Same goes for people with long hair and being asked to man the industrial-sized bobbin threader. I mean, you could tie your hair back, but then again, you could not, and be exempt from risking your scalp being torn off. And so I blame being an introvert for my social adverseness. "I think I'm gonna stay home from the party. You know, too many people. I start to panic." I use that one a lot. It's awesome. (And it's true, just so no one gets their knickers in a bunch.) It's also great to blame introversion for not having friends. "Am I at the movies alone? Yes, yes I am. I like being alone. I'm pretty introverted." All of you can then translate that into, "I would've come with a friend, but their both out of town and everyone else is an acquaintance at best, or I've dated them, so I'm going to pretend like I'm meeting someone here, but really I'm not." Introversion. It's great. I'd suggest reading up on it a little bit before using it as you "condition," just in case the people you talk to happen to know anything about it, and so you can sound super educated about your debilitating social condition. Because being pretentiously educated is a good way for introverts to gain friends. Fact.

Or, you could always try the peg-leg thing.


  1. HA! I must have gotten the social anxiety from you. I use that one all the time. You crack me up!

  2. Ha ha. Love this one. Peg leg...

  3. I think the introverts of the world should unite and join together at a huge rally where everyone would be asked to "share". Just a thought.