I was headed up to Salt Lake yesterday for a friends party, but I wanted to stop by a couple places on the way, since I'm not often north of Point of the Mountain. Upon hearing about a new H&M opening in Murray, and how it's full of all sorts of "fashionable" and "cool" stuff, I decided to take a look.

Big. Mistake.

First off, I'm neither "fashionable" nor "cool," so why I thought I would enjoy this place is beyond me. In fact, after finding it, I drove past the front windows and thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm gonna get shanked if I walk in there." Not literally shanked, but shanked with the shoppers' and employees' glares of judgment at my JCPenney jeans and self-done hair cut. (Actually, I'm pretty sure most of them cut their own hair too, so, no worries on that one.)

I found a parking spot and hesitantly began my journey to H&M's store front. I was at the doors when I rethought it and kept walking. Into Crate & Barrel. Now, I love Crate & Barrel. Kinda like a higher-end IKEA, in my mind. I was wearing a cardigan, so no looks of disgust from the employees. Whew.

As I left, I decided it was worth just one walk-through of H&M. How bad could it be, really?


The first thing I say was a pair of those half-boot-type heels from the 90s. The ones with thick heels, that flatter no one, not even the 95-pound runway model and her knobby knees. I then passed racks of brightly-colored, poorly constructed T-shirts. Then a leather/plastic pleated mini-skirt. Then a dress. Or sack. I'm not sure what it was. I moved along to the accessories — I had no idea gold and leopard-print hair claws were back in style. Better pull mine out from 1995 and give it a whirl! I checked out the purses. Unfortunately, they appeared to have been purchased from the Goodwill in Idaho Falls. "Hello, 1993? Yeah, I found your mom's purse. The one with the matching checkbook style wallet and year-old saltines in the hidden inner pocket. Stop by any time and pick it up for a mere 5x the amount you paid for it originally."

I was literally, yes literally, laughing out loud. It was pretty crowded (I know, right?) so the haters didn't notice me when I walked in with my Target shirt and lack of gaudy jewelry, but when I started chuckling, the half-mullet guy and Miss-I-Just-Ate-Three-Pounds-of-Cheese-and-Hate-the-World shot me some dirty looks. That's when I glanced them up and down, cocked my head forward slightly, curled my lip up a bit and silently told them, "Really?"

Before I forget, there was a pair of pants in there I did like. Liked them for a patriotic homeless man. (I'm not sure how American flag, faded, ripped and bleach-spotted jeans ever got through a pitch meeting at any clothing manufacturer. Oooh, how the Chinese children must laugh at us during the 18-hour work days in windowless manufacturing plants. ... Sorry, insensitive?)

So, in conclusion, to all you people who think you're too good for Mervyn's (may it rest in peace), Target and JCPenney clothing, I say to you ... No, you know what, I think I've said enough.

Long live Hobo Chic fashion.



  1. Long live mullets--business in the front...party in the back.

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I feel exactly the same way. I have never even heard of H&Ms but I can imagine. I will never understand fashion. But then, I'm lucky if I get out of my pajamas in the morning. :)

  3. You forgot to add the SNAP bracelets that they have recently bedazzled and slapped a hefty $10 price tag on. I remember getting those things for a buck. Your posts always make me chuckle. Love ya.

  4. I once went into a Saks 5th Ave in high water polyester jeans. Never again.