10.30.11

I am two weeks behind in my journaling, I failed to plan a real Halloween costume more than 2 hours in advance of the parties I went to, I haven't folded my laundry in a week, and my bed doesn't remember ever being made, among other things.

And, most bothersome of all, I cannot recall when I last pondered. Yes, in the spiritual sense about the Good Word, but I'm talking about pondering my life. Me. My brain, my personality, my reactions and lack of reactions. I haven't had a chance in some time to just breathe. To not feel rushed. To not feel stressed about getting to bed. To just be still.

Not that I'm dissatisfied with life right now. On the contrary, it is bursting at the seams with wonderful things. But that's also the reason I can't catch my breath. There's always something to knock it out of me again.

No, let me rephrase that.

There always the next thing that takes my breath away.

(Holy, cliche.)

But it's true. I'm suffocating in wonder. Just imagine it the contradicting image: Me gasping for air as I fly through life in awe of the opportunities given to me.

I'm choking on blessings.

Tonight, I recognized the blessings, but I then caught a glimpse of myself. Of losing myself. My face was turning blue and I was disappearing into the abyss of activities, hobbies and social events. Where was Elizabeth in all this? Not just her body, not just her laughter, but HER. Her mind, her thoughts, her opinions, her, yes, wisdom. I saw her shell, what the world perceives at first glance, but there is so much more and I was losing sight of it, of how to cultivate it, of how amazing it is to know myself beyond the party, the sporting event, the game night.

So this is me stopping. Breathing. Deep, full, loud, the-doctor-has-a-stethoscope-to-my-chest kind of breathing.

I don't have anything profound to say in my pondering, but that's not the point, is it?

No, no it is not.

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