I am two weeks behind in my journaling, I failed to plan a real Halloween costume more than 2 hours in advance of the parties I went to, I haven't folded my laundry in a week, and my bed doesn't remember ever being made, among other things.

And, most bothersome of all, I cannot recall when I last pondered. Yes, in the spiritual sense about the Good Word, but I'm talking about pondering my life. Me. My brain, my personality, my reactions and lack of reactions. I haven't had a chance in some time to just breathe. To not feel rushed. To not feel stressed about getting to bed. To just be still.

Not that I'm dissatisfied with life right now. On the contrary, it is bursting at the seams with wonderful things. But that's also the reason I can't catch my breath. There's always something to knock it out of me again.

No, let me rephrase that.

There always the next thing that takes my breath away.

(Holy, cliche.)

But it's true. I'm suffocating in wonder. Just imagine it the contradicting image: Me gasping for air as I fly through life in awe of the opportunities given to me.

I'm choking on blessings.

Tonight, I recognized the blessings, but I then caught a glimpse of myself. Of losing myself. My face was turning blue and I was disappearing into the abyss of activities, hobbies and social events. Where was Elizabeth in all this? Not just her body, not just her laughter, but HER. Her mind, her thoughts, her opinions, her, yes, wisdom. I saw her shell, what the world perceives at first glance, but there is so much more and I was losing sight of it, of how to cultivate it, of how amazing it is to know myself beyond the party, the sporting event, the game night.

So this is me stopping. Breathing. Deep, full, loud, the-doctor-has-a-stethoscope-to-my-chest kind of breathing.

I don't have anything profound to say in my pondering, but that's not the point, is it?

No, no it is not.


Oh hey. I posted some pictures on my photography blog. That'll tie (tide?) you over until I can post about ... stuff. I hesitated because there's really nothing to say. (Ah, but Elizabeth always has something to say! ... No, wait, no I don't.)


© 2011 e.gosney


Some thoughts:

~ Sometimes I want a guy that looks like Clark Kent, gelled hair, thick glasses, big muscles and all. But I'd take (an older) Squints Palledorous any day, as long as he makes me laugh and holds me close. That's my Super Man.

~ Have you ever been asked, "If you had $X extra a month, what would you do with it?" Well, I finally have the opportunity to try that out. This new job is a blessing in so many ways — better hours, better environment, new experiences and challenges, opportunities to use more skills — but the weirdest one is the better pay. I'm used to living on a certain amount, and it's been just fine. Now I have more to live on, and I have to decide how to use it, or, more wisely, how to save it. What will I do with the extra $X a month? Save up for a trip to Europe. Pay off my loans. Buy an iPhone. Contribute to my 401k and open a Roth IRA account (Devon: Help?), buy Christmas presents for my family (I love buying presents for people), and save more in general. Because someday I'll get married. And someday I'll have kids. And someday I'll buy a house. And that someday will be so much better when I know we have money in the bank. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it brings a certain peace of mind. At least for me.

~ What's it like to have a guy as your best friend growing up? What's it like to go to senior prom? What's it like to graduate with your class and throw your cap in the air? What's it like to go home on Christmas break and see old friends as well as your family? What's it like to study abroad? I don't know. And usually it doesn't bug me. Usually I don't think about it at all. But sometimes I wish I knew, because it seems everyone else does, and I'm missing out. Or missed out. I'm just curious. Not regretful, just curious.

~ I'm really good at Guitar Hero on my iPod Touch. Just saying. I love playing Vampire Weekend songs.

(Cath, you'll like this one. Ha ha ha.)


It turns out, I got just about as much sleep at Deon's in New Mexico as I did last week and this, working 15-hour days. But New Mexico was WAY more fun. Seriously, I loved being there with Deon and her boys. Here's what we did:

Jumped off the fireplace, the couch, the mini-trampoline onto a mountain of pillows. 

Went to the Balloon Fiesta. So cool! (And so early. Ha ha.)

 "The line for the Storm Trooper is kinda long. ... HEY! No one's getting a picture with the freaky guy. Let's get a picture with him!"

Then we went to Conner's soccer game. They played hard, or at least Conner did. But sometimes hard work just doesn't pay off. Sorry kids. Ha ha, Conner's team lost. Badly. 

Max, searching Deon's hair for bugs.

Scotty got bored, obviously.

I took some family photos for Deon and Dillan, much to Dillan's displeasure. He survived though. ;o)


Conner and Scotty know Kid History, so this is Conner acting out the last part of the 6th episode when Richard (I can't remember his character's name in that episode) drinks the juice and spits it out, screaming. It was hilarious to hear Scotty and Conner, without any prompting, say, "I like yeyo gwapes. And puyple gwapes. And wed gwapes."

Don't you love Scotty's hat and vest? I do. 

Playing on Monday...

Deon and me had a movie marathon on Monday night (that's what happens when you don't know what you're doing when reserving Redbox movies online and end up with 3 instead of 1 or 2). Then Tuesday morning, before I flew back to Salt Lake, we went to breakfast/lunch (I believe they call it "brunch") at Flying Star. Suuuuuuuper good. Super. 

And there you have it. Other than this stellar trip, I have been, like I said, working really long days and squeezing in some sleep here and there. Oh, and food. Gotta have da foods. 

Wanna know how little time I have? Yesterday I bought more underwear because I was out and didn't have time to do laundry, nor would I, I knew, for a few more days. Yikes. Is this what they call "TMI"? ...  Nah.