Do you ever have one of those self-discovery moments? Not the deep ones. No, I'm keeping it light and fluffy today, my friends. I'm talking about looking in the mirror, or at a picture of yourself, or, heaven forbid, a video of yourself, and you see something and go, "Holy crap, how long have I been walking around looking/sounding/acting like that?" I'm not talking about your fly down or a bad hair day or another temporary malfunction. I mean something like your voice (I don't think anyone likes what their voice sounds like, by the way, even those people who like to hear themselves talk, if you know what I mean) or how your eye squints funny with you say, "please," or, well, I am just making stuff up. But you get what I'm talking about, right?
I had one of those moments today with a video of myself. I kept watching thinking, "If she -- I mean, if I -- would just do this. Just do it! You look ridiculous! Can't you see yourself?" No, no I could not. And so I will be very aware of this flaw of mine, thus I will be consciously trying to fix it for the next couple of days until I forget about it all together and go on looking and talking the way I always have -- or have for a while, anyway. I guess I still have friends, so it can't be that bad. But I don't seem to be able to secure a boyfriend, so this may be the answer to the, "what's wrong with me?" question I have asked myself before. ... And now you're wondering what this flaw is, right? Or, you're probably more like, "Oh, no, I've seen you talk. I can totally see why boys are turned off by you."
Ha ha haaa haaaaa. ...
... Oh man, I hope not. How tragic. In 60 years I'll be in the old folks' home talking to all the widows and other bachelorettes and they'll be telling their stories of lost love and Romeo-and-Juliet-scenarios. Then they'll get to me and I'll have to either lie (which I haven't mastered yet) or tell them the truth: I couldn't find a husband who could bear to watch me talk.
I'll be the laughing-stock of the nursing home. So, I guess I have that to look forward to, along with smelling like cat urine (cuz I'll obviously have a lot of pet cats) and wearing orthopedic shoes.